Utopia

I don't know.....that's the start of a lot of things these days I feel.
I don't know if I should get a lager or an ale.
I don't know if I should get the chicken or the beef.
I don't know what to make of this situation.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

The cracks in the armor are showing, but somehow, they still don't show weakness.....at least not to me. Because it was just like watching the war-movie on TV earlier today. Soldiers aren't vicious monster who kill indifferently - they're human just like you and me. But when a soldier shows weakness or remorse, you almost frown upon it like there's something wrong.
I think when you build something up to be what it's not, the disappointment is two-fold.
One is the obvious one, the one of being let down.
The other is the one of not having your expectations fulfilled.

I think I sometimes build a chimaera of people before getting to know them. Maybe it's the naive side of me that still hasn't been caught up in the world of lies, deceit and dishonesty.
But it's also this feeling that will keep me standing tall at the end of the day, knowing that I haven't succumbed to to this world.
I don't think I'll ever let things like that break me. Sure, they will get to me, but never break.

I'll also be the first one to admit that I'm not perfect. I gave up that pursuit a long time ago (we're counting weeks as a long time still, right?)
But I will keep trying to be the best me that I can be. And if I do offend you, piss you off or even curse you out, I will know that it was wrong and from there try to make amens.
Living isn't about doing it all right, it's about getting some of it wrong, knowing you fucked up and after that correcting it.

My belief will always be that you can correct almost anything. I fought one of my best friends, lied to another and cheated a third. But all of them are still some of my best friends today because we could swallow pride and still keep trust in each other that the deed wasn't on purpose, wasn't meant to be hurtful or simply, we trust each other that the apology was sincere and because of this, we are even better friend because of it and the bond we fonded on that day of repentance.

So my friends, I put it to you, enjoy yourself. I will always hold you in the highest esteem if you are a true friend.
And if I sometimes piss you off - that's me. But believe me when I say that there is no malice in my doings. Because if there were, you'd definitely know it.

I was gonna go into quote-mode here, but hey, even I evolve, who would've thought, right? And oh, a quick touch on the subject. If you think that putting yourself down is an unconscious way of showing your insecurities, sure, that's your thought.
But for me, it's just a way of making a joke at my own expense. Since I always run into a few people who don't get me, I better put the joke on me to make sure that I don't piss anybody off.
My sense of humor is a little, shall we say, special. To me, life is wasted if you don't have fun. I don't wanna wake up tomorrow,be old or dying and wonder what the hell happened.
I don't really fear dying (everyone says that until they're faced with death) but what I mean with that is that I've realized that on a long enough time line, EVERYONES survival rate drops to zero.
So before I hit zero I want to make the most out of my life. I don't know if I am, but I will ponder it over my first pint tomorrow.

Always a smart-ass........yup.
S.M.R